GrowHoly.com

When Jesus was praying these words of forgiveness, did He want to tell us something? Did He mean that there’s something very important we missed?

We don’t know what Love is. We don’t know Who Jesus is. We don’t know and we kill. We sin against each other. We don’t know the value of Love. We don’t know that we can be happy if we start loving again. We don’t realise what we’re missing each day.

Lord, forgive us, because we really don’t know. We don’t understand how important it is to love, and how our life can change once we open ourselves to others and to You.

“Be calm and self-possessed. Why do you allow yourself to become so agitated and angry? Such an attitude irritates those around you and makes you unhappy as well. And of what use is it when you are left with regrets after the incident has passed?”

There’s no point in me promising myself again and again that I will improve, that I will stop with all my bad habits, when I just don’t mean it inside.

I was watching a film about Filip Neri, and found it quite interesting in terms of his fighting temptations – he simply didn’t get them any chance – it simply wouldn’t happen, that he would fall prey to any sin.

For me, whenever I resolve not to sin again, there is that bit inside saying that “nothing will happen if I do a bit of this or that.” And this is what I am terribly afraid of. Because sooner or later, I will commit the sin again. I will let that hidden voice come to the surface.

How can I get rid of it completely? How can I stop it? How can I make sure it will never happen again?

And, by the way, do I actually want to change?

“Do not be contaminated by superficiality. This disease causes the gradual death of the will. Its symptoms are a frequent change of opinion and of activity. To avoid it, do not accumulate a stockpile of projects which are never carried out.”

Yesterday I came across this quote:

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.”

And it struck me because it had been one of those my days, when I was almost whole day on my own, studying, but at the same time not very “civilised” – untidy room, eating lots of rubbish and other things I now don’t want to even think about.

What makes me always come back to these when I am on my own? I don’t know. Maybe it’s desire for pleasure and indulgement, maybe it’s some psychological problem I cannot solve, maybe it’s the result of lots of projects I am involved in, or maybe it’s the sin inside me which I haven’t killed yet.

But the ideal is there very clear – I want to be good, even when nobody is watching. I would love to sit down, on my own, and pray, meditate, think about helping others, maintaining cleanliness everywhere. And yes, there have been days like this – but for some reason, I always fall down again.

For some reason I keep falling, and it’s getting shameful before the priest at the confession, before God, and before myself. How can I change? What should I do now to make sure I will not fall again?

Should I accept myself as I am, and keep struggling with this?

Lord, You are with me in those lonely whiles, when I am so prone to sin against You, and against myself. And also against my friends, and people who know me, because they all see me as polite, good, nice…

Lord, please, come and change me today. I am not afraid of losing what I have, so change me and please, don’t let me fall again. You are the One who saves sinners, and accepts them, so please, delete this my past, and heal me, so that I can become a person who is free and good in front of You.

“God has given you the gift of life. He has also given you the freedom to make your life holy and wonderfully useful. Do not misuse it so that it becomes stunted and a betrayal of God’s gift.”

Imagine a small acorn seed. Tiny, subtle, can be destroyed so easily. And yet it is  meant to grow into a strong tree, providing oxygen, shadow and home to many animals and people. But what you are holding in your hand now, is just a tiny seed.

You are that seed. You, with all your weaknesses, your “nothingness”, your ocasional “silliness” and “hopelessness”. You, when you make mistakes, when you aren’t your best. You, when you sin against what you believe is good to do.

You with all these things, you are this little seed. But hey, you are meant to grow into that tree. God has a dream for you. He put it into your mind, into your body, into your heart, into your innermost soul and spirit. God wants you to grow. God has a dream that you become a perfect YOU.

So watch this dream, learn as much about it as you can, and if you like it, start realising it. Today. You are a small seed, and it takes years for a tree to grow into its full strength. You will not be perfect straight away. You will still make mistakes tomorrow, and maybe you will lose your patience in a week.

But the dream is still there – it’s up to YOU.

The following ideas come from Nguyen Van Thuan’s excellent book “The Road of Hope – A Gospel from Prison” and I recommend it strongly to anyone looking to grow in holiness.

425. ‘Blessed are the pure in hearth for they shall see God.‘ (Matthew 5:8). Priests and religious are not the only people called to observe chastity. Rather, everyone must do so according to his or her state of life. The life of chastity is not a life of restriction, but a life of greater freedom.

426. There are many people who, while appearing to be angels of charity, are in fact devils of covetousness. Unhappy the community that meets with such an angel!

427. God grants the gift of chastity only to humble souls. Pray for it every day then with a simple and sincere heart, one that acknowledges its own weaknesses.

428. The proud will fall sooner or later: because they rely on their own strength rather than on God, he will allow them to stand alone on this shallow foundation.

Read more »

“The choice is between holiness and sin. In many instances, holiness or sin is the result of victory or defeat in one moment requiring sacrifice.”

Holiness and sin. What a choice! One minute of mundane pleasure compared to the eternity of the true inner joy. Starting now. And what will I choose? Well, sometimes, I choose to sin.

This morning I felt that God is giving me an awfully lot - He loves me greatly, despite all my sins and faults, and despite my ignoring Him. So what will I do eventually, after I try all the pleasures of the world, and after I get fed up with them all? What will I do after I hurt enough people, postpone enough duties, and destroy too many projects?

Eventually, I will notice His love in my life. Eventually, I will say thank you for this love. Eventually, I will open myself to His love. Eventually, I will start to love Him.

I am like a flower in a garden. When I get lots of love, I cannot actually do anything more or less than just blossom. As flower cannot walk, it cannot sing, it cannot save the world, all it can, is grow and bossom. I can only be and feel Your love, and love You. Lord, You are my gardener, and when I grow up, into a real flower, I would love to be nice and to give You all my beauty.

So what will I choose, holiness or sin?

“For the sake of love we are prepared to sacrifice everything: “But I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father” (Jn 14:31).”

Today I came from work at six. Hungry, but I wanted to make it for the mass. I didn’t. I just let it be. I ignored it and didn’t make the effort… As if you want to go for the communion, you shouldn’t eat an hour before that.

So another opportunity missed. Is it a sin? Maybe not. But I lost something I could have. I lost something I could offer. So am I prepared to sacrifice everything? What will I do when asked for something more?

“If there is no sacrifice, there will be no holiness. You have to deny yourself and take up your cross before you will be able to follow Our Lord. Denying yourself is a prerequisite of holiness (Mt 16:27, Mk 8:34, 10:21, Lk 9:23).”

I want to play football, I want to have career, I want to indulge in food, sex, I want to browse the Internet, I want to make money, I want to travel, to run in the forest – I want to cycle, I want to do karate, I want to be great… And yet, my ultimate goal is to be holy, as God wants me to be.

Is there a way to merge all these things?

Or, should I sacrifice the above for the ultimate goal? Maybe not necessarily all of them. Maybe God will ask me for just some of them. Maybe I should not overdo anything – just look for balance.

I could see this recently when I was with my husband – I know that when I choose to spend an evening “my way”, sitting at computer and doing some unimportant things – the communication between us withers, and I lose him for the evening – I lose what we could have or experience if we spent the evening together.

That’s why I resolved to give him my time. To spend the time being with my husband, instead of doing my own ego-building things – talking to him, playing with him, sharing with him.

Maybe one day I will be able to do this more naturally, more easily and with greater love. Maybe one day I will be able to give up other things – and to sacrifice them for others. Maybe.

How should I deny myself? How to get rid of my ego? How to beat my greed, my seflishness, my nervosity?

I went to a confession yesterday. And when I was preparing for it, doing my “list” of sins I committed, I realised that again, they are the same as most times, and that to see some progress, maybe I should change something.

On the opposite side of my list, I put the opposites of all the sins – so instead of “I dind’t pray every day” I put “I never missed prayer”, or instead of “I was arrogant to other people when they needed help” I put “I always kindly helped everyone who needed my help.”

The old sins are gone – they were regretted and forgiven.

When I now look at the “positive” list, I can see my ideal “me” who I can be – and I believe that one day I will be. So that in about a month, when I go for another confession, I will be able to say fewer failures that negated what was written on the positive list.

I am not perfect – but I know that with God’s help only, I can become my best.

Lord, You are the Ruler and the Forgiver. You are the one who knows us deeply – please, remove all my sins, so that I can be spotless in the love of your presence.

“As a sinner you dare not stand in the presence of God, but the words of the Church bid you to be reassured: “Through Christ Our Lord.” How could you think that all the sufferings of Jesus and all the good works of his Blessed Mother and the saints would not be sufficient to encompass your little prayers?”

Lord, here I am again in front of You, not having done what I had promised to You, and what I had resolved to do… Now it’s up to You what You are going to do with me – please, forgive me all the sins and let me start anew.

Thanks.

“Our Lord teaches you to recite prayers in order to help you to pray, but prayer itself is actually the meeting and conversation between the Father and child. “When you are praying, go into your inner room and shut the door upon yourself, and so pray to your Father in secret; and then your Father, Who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Mt 6:6). There is no need to be formal; simply pray from the heart, as a child to its father.”

We shouldn’t tell others about our fasting and prayer. Let’s make it something secret between us and our Lord. However, maybe there is use in sharing this with other people – if they are interested and want to know more – simply, sometimes we can act as an example and stimuli for them.

But it all needs to come from our very heart.

This week I was at a lake and watched swans in their purity and elegance. When I then came the following morning back, for some reason they were all dirty. Have you ever seen a dirty swan? It’s not a real “swan” any more – no elegance, nothing of that queen-like majesty.

The same is with us. We were all created as beautiful beings but if we deterior ourselves with sin, it all goes wrong, like when a swan is dirty.