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“Live at God’s side and you will become a saint, since heaven is nothing other than the presence of God.”

Today I was praying for sanctity. Then failed greatly again – with food and work. Am I not able to do it?

However, I was thinking, being in the church, that there is gold and wood. I don’t want to be like a golden calich, I would prefer to be a wooden… cross.

Lord, please, give me the strength and the patience. Let me get to that goal one day.

“Do you peddle your heart everywhere to all comers, but when you find no buyers, take it to offer it to the Lord?”

The priorities. And what I give, compared to what I get. Sacrificeless love. And then the desire, the want to be holy. Or, to be pronounced a saint?

An empty heart, dedicated to death of the lack of love. A body predetermined to suffer, because of the lack of sacrifice. Somebody who cannot succeed, because the “self” cannot be overcome.

No win, just pure selfishness and greed. No love, just performance. No smile, just struggle.

And then there’s somebody much greater, coming to shed a bit of light on the weary straw. Somebody who will touch the heart, and bring it to life again. Somebody who will understand the weakness and delete the self.

Somebody who will forgive, as that is the only way, the only salvation. Somebody, who will love.

Do I still have a chance?

The following ideas come from Nguyen Van Thuan’s excellent book “The Road of Hope – A Gospel from Prison” and I recommend it strongly to anyone looking to grow in holiness.

407. Your possessions will bury you if you wear them on your head or close to your heart. They will be your footstool if you stand on them.

408. ‘Be poor in the place you live, be poor in the clothes you wear, be poor in the food you eat, be poor in the things you use, be poor in the work you do‘ (Pere Chevrier).

409. The person who asks for little is always content because he considers himself to have sufficient. The person who demands much is extremely miserable because he keeps feeling deprived.

410. Looking at yourself, you feel deprived, you feel that you are the most miserable person in the world. Take a look around you and see how many people are really worse off than you are.

411. To have no possessions while still yearning for them is not poverty. Having possessions, but being detached from them, is a sign of poverty in spirit.

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“If you do not sacrifice in small things, you will surrender when confronted by big sacrifices.”

I have tried to repudiate something big, like a “big” piece of chocolate, and give it to somebody else as a present – but didn’t succeed and ended up eating it all myself. Is this really just because when there was a small committment made, such as to pray in the morning, I just ignored it and didn’t stick to it?

Does it mean that I will not able to look after my children properly, because I fail to sacrifice some small things now?

So this morning, I decided to hold on to all small opportunities to prove that I want to take the next step and to get closer to God. And when I finally managed to get quiet, He told me this:

“I do care about you. I want you to grow, I want you to reach happiness, wisdom and love. I forgive you and now you can start again. Just be patient, you will not become a saint in one day.”

Lord, now I see that You love me, and I can feel that You are serious about this - You keep washing my feet Yourself – through my friends, parents, husband, colleagues and everybody I meet. Please, let me go now and wash other people’s feets as well. Teach me how to do this with humility, egolessly.

Thanks.

“Spiritual books have helped make saints of many people. They are the oil which fuels the furnace of prayer.”

This is really interesting – and I certainly can see it – as during the times when I read any spiritual book, I tend to focus more on prayer, relationships, avoiding sin and all that.

And there are so many great books to read – say, for example, The Road of Hope or any of those thousands books dealing with religion, relationships, personal development… And also biographies of Saints – yes, maybe I should look at that route a bit more. The only book I really read about a saint, was the Song of Bernadette – about what happened in Lourdes – the apparitions of Our Lady and all that.

These really are a good read and they can inspire me a lot. Sometimes, saints led very strange lives – often causing suffering themselves what we today don’t support any more – but maybe it could be a good motivation for doing at least some humble fasting…

And prayer, yes, more prayer.

So I think I will go to the library over the weekend and get some of the biographies of saints – just to see how it goes, but if it can help me further on the road of hope, I definitely should do it.

Anyway, there is one book, that is probably all you really need to read – The Bible. Just make sure you read every day at least a few lines – and that’s a great way of walking with Jesus every day.

“There are many regions in the world without priests which have maintained the faith through many decades by means of the recitation of prayers in the families.”

How important is it to pray with my husband every evening? Should we not now, when we don’t have kids yet, form the foundation of our future family – based on prayer?

How should we pray, is another question. And this has been developing since we started going out together 8 years ago. From a shy decade of Rosary as we walked along the river, to something longer that we have now – a short prayer by our own words, then a decade and reading a few lines from the Gospel.

Will we ever get to meditating together? Will we be able to ever really discuss our knowing of God? Will see. But one thing is very important – pray together, whatever form suits you.

A saint couple is much more than one saint.

“Why are there crises in the Church? It is because people do not take prayer seriously anymore.”

Yes, and maybe not only prayer, but also fast.

Yesterday it was the Good Friday – one of two days in the year when the Church requires fast – just once a day we are “allowed” to eat until we are satisfied – and no meat at all.

But that’s a way too little. In the time when we’re used to having a Big Mac every day, followed by a good bit of Snickers DUO and a pint of Coke. Times when if you say that you eat only veggies and fruits – they will look at you as at an alien. Times when people who fast on bread and water two times a week, are considered saints.

But hey, what did Luke write about the first Christians in the Acts? Fasting and prayer were on their normal schedule. It was an essential part of their lives.

And me? What about me? The same Christian, the only difference is in these 2000 years – but how does it really matter?

Look at what they were able to do – how many people found faith through them, how many sick they were able to heal, what miracles they performed – they even spoke in the tongues of the Holy Spirit – on a daily routine – and we?

What am I able to do now? If I bring one person to rethink their life – what a great achievement will that be?

Why are we so poor these days? Does it mean that Christianity doesn’t work any more?

Or maybe we just don’t pray and fast any more?

“A seemingly holy person who does not pray is not a genuine saint. Wait and see, the veneer will crumble before long.”

Lord, please, rather let me be viewed as a total sinner than a holy person, while not praying. Let me understand the meaning of daily prayer; and let me pray every day – please, give me opportunities all the time, to have a little word with You, and to stay in your presence.

And, thanks for Your patience.

“Are you surprised that many people lose the grace of God, lose their faith or turn against the Church? Among the many causes there will always be one main cause and that is, that they have long since given up prayer.”

It is so easy to stop praying. Just one while, one weak moment can destroy weeks of “hard work”. It’s so easy to lose your chastity – and here I mean it really in the widest sense of word – after you’ve stayed clear of sin for ages.

So easy to fall.

Yet not necessary. Just keep going. I was also told that to be holy, it doesn’t mean that you never ever fail, but all the saints have learned from their faults and failures – and they always got up again!

So it is with me today. I have prayed in the morning, I might have kept what I resolved for today, but then towards the end of the day, I did something wrong, or I just was too tired or too selfish, or too hungry – and I simply did what was wrong.

For me, it’s difficult to not sin. For me, it’s difficult to stay with God all the time. For me, it’s extraordinary difficult to be perfect. 100%.

That’s why I need somebody to come and clean me up, somebody who will say, it’s ok, I will help you. And that Somebody is Jesus who comes every day with His love and supports me in my efforts, however small and poor they might be.

Lord, although I fail to do what I should so often, I can feel that you are here with me and that you do care about these little things of me. I know that you love me, and all I can do now is to open up myself for your loving presence and let you do miracles in my life.

If I ever do anything good, it’s gonna be your work, since you created me, you gave me every single hair I have – and you keep on supporting and growing me.

Please, never ever let me forget to pray. Thanks.

“Pray always and everywhere. Jesus tell us, we “ought to pray continually” (Lk 18:1) and, “Watch and pray, that you may not enter into temptation: (Mt 26:41).”

Recently I spoke to one of my friends who really is a religious person, even a saint, many would say. At present I live with her in one house, so I am getting to know her quite well, and I am just amazed at all things she does, and how she deals with everything.

So, being interested in the issue of holiness myself, one day I approached her with my notebook, and asked her for a chat – and it ended up in several hour long conversation about life…

One of the most important things she told me was that it’s vital to pray as much as possible. When you wake up, start reciting the Rosary, or “The Three” as she calls a set of Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be…

So I decided to give it a try. And since then, every time I walk, eat, travel, wait etc. I try to pray these. You might say that it’s just about reciting stuff, but actually, it helps me to stay more focused on God during the day.

And doing it all the time? Well, prayer is the foundation of spiritual life. And spiritual life is of the utmost importance to me, isn’t it? When I’m able to spend 8 hours every day working, then shouldn’t I be eager to spend even more time praying? Let’s see what happens after I practise this for a longer time.