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With lent having started, many of my friends decided to give up something – usually sweets or TV, or anything else. Was wondering whether I should do the same.

Would it not just be my way of making myself “clear” or “ok”, or simply “religious enough” – if I would impose such fasting on myself? Since at the moment I tend to enjoy things and I am indulging quite a lot – should I limit this in any way, just to show how good I am?

I don’t feel that I should force anything on myself now. Like Jesus said – while the bridegroom is still with them, they won’t fast, but when he leaves, then they will fast. I still feel that the time hasn’t come yet.

However, if God wants me to do some sacrifice, I would be happy to do it – but maybe would need to see more reason behind – like helping somebody, or at least something that I would know would strengthen me, or move me forward.

If I give up some sweets now, I believe, it will just make me nervous and want even more after the lent is over.

Is this the type of fast God is looking for?

“Do you peddle your heart everywhere to all comers, but when you find no buyers, take it to offer it to the Lord?”

The priorities. And what I give, compared to what I get. Sacrificeless love. And then the desire, the want to be holy. Or, to be pronounced a saint?

An empty heart, dedicated to death of the lack of love. A body predetermined to suffer, because of the lack of sacrifice. Somebody who cannot succeed, because the “self” cannot be overcome.

No win, just pure selfishness and greed. No love, just performance. No smile, just struggle.

And then there’s somebody much greater, coming to shed a bit of light on the weary straw. Somebody who will touch the heart, and bring it to life again. Somebody who will understand the weakness and delete the self.

Somebody who will forgive, as that is the only way, the only salvation. Somebody, who will love.

Do I still have a chance?

“Every time you fail, you say, “Oh, if only I had made a strong resolution in the beginning!” I hope you do not keep having these belated regrets.”

Yes, every day I tell myself – tomorrow it will be better. But is it really? What am I doing that ensures my progress? Or am I just finding excuses why I am not doing what I should today?

Lord, please, help me be good today, let me give today, let me help people today, let me make a sacrifice today, let me not sin today.

“Do not think that you are the only one who makes sacrifices. Look around about you, from small children to those elderly ladies who sacrifice everything to rear their children and grandchildren. You should be ashamed of yourself. You would be amazed to know that there are some people who are very poor, yet under their tattered clothes there are real heroes or heroines.”

It’s not only about the sacrifice. I noticed that when I do something good for a client, or anybody in the street, or my husband, or any of my friends, I feel that nice feeling inside – don’t know where exactly, but it can be compared to an orgasm, as it’s a sudden boost of love and joy…

“I want you to serve other people. I want you to often get that orgasm of love and giving.“

“The profession of faith, the Credo, should sharpen our appreciation of the sacrifice of Our Lord: “He was born of the Virgin Mary and became man. For ourselves He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died and was buried”; a sacrifice during the whole of his life, a sacrifice of oblation.”

After coming back from a week’s holiday, I was afraid to come back to work. Will I be able to catch up on all the things? Will I still have authority within my colleagues? Will I be able to answer my boss’ questions? Will I be successful? What if not?

All these my doubts were washed away within 5 mins of prayer:

“I will look after. I love you whatever happens.”

Jesus came here, He let Himself be killed, He suffered an awfully lot for me, even if I didn’t ask Him for it at all. He WILL make sure that I am happy, He will look after everything in my life, He loves me. There is no doubt any more, no fear of failure, as the only failure in life is a failure to recognize His love, a failure to realise that I am loved by the Greatest, by Somebody who is everything; I am loved by Everything.

“The choice is between holiness and sin. In many instances, holiness or sin is the result of victory or defeat in one moment requiring sacrifice.”

Holiness and sin. What a choice! One minute of mundane pleasure compared to the eternity of the true inner joy. Starting now. And what will I choose? Well, sometimes, I choose to sin.

This morning I felt that God is giving me an awfully lot - He loves me greatly, despite all my sins and faults, and despite my ignoring Him. So what will I do eventually, after I try all the pleasures of the world, and after I get fed up with them all? What will I do after I hurt enough people, postpone enough duties, and destroy too many projects?

Eventually, I will notice His love in my life. Eventually, I will say thank you for this love. Eventually, I will open myself to His love. Eventually, I will start to love Him.

I am like a flower in a garden. When I get lots of love, I cannot actually do anything more or less than just blossom. As flower cannot walk, it cannot sing, it cannot save the world, all it can, is grow and bossom. I can only be and feel Your love, and love You. Lord, You are my gardener, and when I grow up, into a real flower, I would love to be nice and to give You all my beauty.

So what will I choose, holiness or sin?

“There are some people who make sacrifices, but want everybody else to know about it. There are other people who do not make sacrifices, but would have everybody else believe that they do. There are still others who frequently make sacrifices, but do not want anybody else to know about it.”

It’s so difficult not to say to the whole world that I’ve done something good.

Some companies sponsor various charities, and from the marketing point of view, it is good to go and spread the news about how greatly they have helped. However, “if you give something to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.” (Mt 6,3)

“If you practice self control by means of sacrifice, your soul and body will be like two friends who are united and invincible. But, if you cannot discipline yourself, your soul and body will become two enemies who are to remain so forever.”

They call it Time Management. Being effective, measure yourself, time yourself, control yourself. Make sure that every minute counts. Make sure that you are productive at every single minute.

I am learning to manage myself at work. But how do I manage my body? How do I tell my feet to jump out of bed in the morning, how to tell my hands to cook the dinner, how to get my mouth eat only what it needs, and my tongue talk only when there’s something wise to say?

Should my life be like an uphill struggle, full of sacrifice and self denying? Should I aim at effectiveness in my personal life as well?

“I’ll do everything for you to be perfectly happy. Money and rewards you get don’t matter. Just share everything in love.”

Ok, and love is the point. Love makes all the difference. When I have love, anything can happen, and I will be happy. I will help others, I will sacrifice, but I will not suffer – because when giving out of love, you are always getting back million times more.

“If you do not sacrifice in small things, you will surrender when confronted by big sacrifices.”

I have tried to repudiate something big, like a “big” piece of chocolate, and give it to somebody else as a present – but didn’t succeed and ended up eating it all myself. Is this really just because when there was a small committment made, such as to pray in the morning, I just ignored it and didn’t stick to it?

Does it mean that I will not able to look after my children properly, because I fail to sacrifice some small things now?

So this morning, I decided to hold on to all small opportunities to prove that I want to take the next step and to get closer to God. And when I finally managed to get quiet, He told me this:

“I do care about you. I want you to grow, I want you to reach happiness, wisdom and love. I forgive you and now you can start again. Just be patient, you will not become a saint in one day.”

Lord, now I see that You love me, and I can feel that You are serious about this - You keep washing my feet Yourself – through my friends, parents, husband, colleagues and everybody I meet. Please, let me go now and wash other people’s feets as well. Teach me how to do this with humility, egolessly.

Thanks.

“God often sends crosses to those He loves, but such people whom God loves in this special way are few, because not many people will accept sacrifice.”

Lord, please, teach me how to accept anxieties, and difficulties, so that when they one day come, I will be able to give thanks to You, and to welcome them as an opportunity to grow and to sacrifice myself for Your case.

Many people are complaining about the low pay, bad weather, poor food, boredom, cold… Please, teach me to be happy all the time, please, show me how to smile inside, even when it’s raining and when something unpleasant happens – let me welcome You in whatever way You talk to me.