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“Jesus is everything to you; he is the object of all your desires, the reason behind all your decisions, the power beneath all your emotions and the model of all your actions.”

Yesterday evening was very interesting. My husband went to work a night shift, so I had a shower and went to bed quite early. To pray.

And I was feeling that connection with the Universe, and that what is inside of me. I was feeling God – the Powerful, Amazing, full of Love and Peace. I was feeling Him, and was not afraid. It was beautiful.

I had to cry, because the feeling was so intense. And I was asking for forgiveness of all my sins, since they stand in the way of this feeling. I was asking God who He is, and what is the meaning of life, and who is Jesus, and whether I can fully believe to the Church. And then I prayed the whole Rosary – and it was great. Feeling like one of those long evenings when I was praying that as a child. God loves me.

Lord, You are the Mover, the Beginning and the End. Please, make me a tool in Your hands, I would love to participate on Your Masterpiece of life.

“Act in such a way that your thoughts, words, and deeds will cause others to remark: “This is a person steeped in one book, the Gospel, and inspired by one ideal, the life of Jesus Christ.””

Today I achieved my first goal re winning over my greed – I was 61 kg in the morning, which is those planned 6 days after I made the resolution. Now the second step is to get to 60 kg by next Monday, then to 59 kg the following week, and the rest of my life try to maintain that weight.

Yesterday I achieved another, and probably even more important goal – I made friends with my Mum in law.

We went to the mass together, and then ended up in a tea garden, where we stayed for several hours, having lots cups of tea, but chatting very well. I used to hate some of her characteristics – and yet now I realise that they all come from a difficult life she’s gone through, and that when watched closely and with love, she really is a wonderful person.

She is like a child in many ways – she is able to enjoy flowers, sing songs any time, pray an hour every day, smile and laugh at simple things, cook great foods and then also eat them – and jump and do sommersaults.

It used to be my inacceptance and resentment towards her, which made me angry with her and feeling uncomfortable in her presence. Now I realise this, and would like to take the next step towards having a great relationship with her, and looking forward to meeting her again.

If we are to live like Christians, we need to live like Jesus. He didn’t reject anybody – and we need to prove this also in our closest relationships.

Lord, please, help my Mum in law to get acceptance also from others around her, and help herself to be able to listen to people and to what they really are looking for, and help her provide for them, so that the love can grow steadily.

“To exploit people in order to advance your own interests is unworthy of a leader. You will be a worthy leader if you do not distance yourself from people, but mingle with them and risk yourself for their sake.”

When I was reading a book called Change Yourself in Seven Days by Paul McKenna, these questions came out, and here are my honest answers to them:

Who do you like to be seen?
As a perfect person.

Which aspects of your personality do you hope peole notice first?
Hardworking, busy, excellent and successful at everywhing.

What is it most important that everyone knows about you?
That I’m very good – able to do many things.

If your life were trying to prove something about you, what would it be?
That I’m perfect.

What is the opposite of each traits of your pretend self?
Imperfection, failure, looser.

Which of your secrets will only be discovered after you die?
That I cannot handle all the things I’m doing, that I do have problems, and that I seek others to like me.

Who is your least favourite person and why?
Somebody who is too good, more perfect than myself, so that I feel less worthy, when in their presence.

Who you really are always feels like coming home?
Like on holidays or a trip – laughing, relaxed.

Who are you when nobody’s watching?
Imperfect, quiet, present, praying, sometimes greedy, sometimes having pleasures.

If you felt totally safe, what would you do differently?
I would have more fun, be freeer, be more chilled out, laughing, would let things be, wouldn’t be so much caring & worried.

Who would you be if you lived beyond fear?
I would be friendlier, closer to people.

Charismatic people feel comfortable in themselves. Because they are content with who they are, they aren’t desperately looking for the approval of others and they aren’t trying to manipulate others into liking them.

“You are not ready to follow the will of God, yet you allow yourself to be enslaved by many people.”

Was thinking this morning what actually makes me work – what makes me do things, tick all my to-do lists, hurry up with proposals, or finish various tasks before the deadline. Is it money? Appreciation form others?

Maybe it is myself being enslaved by those who have at least once praised me, or those whom I like or admire.

And then I asked myself, what would need to happen so that I would start working on the “higher” things, such as prayer for others, self-discipline, excercise, helping people etc.

I was wondering what it could be – should I just organise myself better, just like I organize my time at work? Should I find a structure for my prayer, so that I could “tick” it in my daily to-do list after I finish it? Should I plan my calls to other people in order to help them?

Or will it come on its own, by the will of God? Should I push myself now, or should I leave it for God?

The following ideas come from Nguyen Van Thuan’s excellent book “The Road of Hope – A Gospel from Prison” and I recommend it strongly to anyone looking to grow in holiness.

425. ‘Blessed are the pure in hearth for they shall see God.‘ (Matthew 5:8). Priests and religious are not the only people called to observe chastity. Rather, everyone must do so according to his or her state of life. The life of chastity is not a life of restriction, but a life of greater freedom.

426. There are many people who, while appearing to be angels of charity, are in fact devils of covetousness. Unhappy the community that meets with such an angel!

427. God grants the gift of chastity only to humble souls. Pray for it every day then with a simple and sincere heart, one that acknowledges its own weaknesses.

428. The proud will fall sooner or later: because they rely on their own strength rather than on God, he will allow them to stand alone on this shallow foundation.

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“You must sacrifice yourself, not other people.”

Recently it got very easy for me to ask somebody to do something. But should it not be myself doing stuff? Shouldn’t I serve, rather than give commands to people?

Well, there are circumstances, when you actually should delegate, especially in working environment. But also in church, when you ask somebody to do something, maybe it’s ok. But what if you get used to it and start abusing it? Then you have an issue, and you probably need to get a step back and start again.

But doing too much yourself could be just as dangerous - you then begin to sacrifice other things for work. Today I was working usual hours, 9-5. Yet as 5pm passed, I was still sitting in the office, and I knew that I had to finish some stuff in 15 mins because then I would make it for the 5.45 mass.

I didn’t. Instead, I stayed in the office, kept working and finishing things (which I didn’t get a chance to finish, anyway), and eventually I left well after 7.30. Hungry, tired, eyes blind from the computer – not a human at all.

Coming home - what a wife was I then to my husband? Was it a nice evening? Was I feeling ok? When all I was able to think about, was just some food and the bed?

So my resolution: never ever again. From now on, I am making a committment, always to finish at 5 and leave.

There are so important things you are responsible for – your family, your friends, and yourself! You need to go out into the park and have a chat with those you love. You need to go and do some sports you like. You need to get off those snobby formal clothes and get into your old jeans that are just yours!

You need to read a book, you need to sit down and maybe watch a telly. You just need it.

And, you need to pray. You need to meditate, you need to stay still and be aware of the present moment. You need to breathe and feel God’s presence. Now. He cares about you, much more than you think! He has given you so much, that if you realise it, you will never ever mis a prayer.

You know what you are losing when you work too much. And for what? Money? No. Recognition, reward, they might praise you, admire you, you might get higher on the ladder…

Are these really what you’ve been made for?

“In a special way, those consecrated souls should declare on their identity cards: “Occupation: Prayer”. The other occupations in the world are being fully attended to. The world demands that you assume the role of representative and begs you: “Pray for me!””

Lord, please, let me pray more. Make me pray more. I can pray myself, but only You can give power and meaning to my prayer. I don’t have a clue how to pray, what to say, how to structure my prayer.

I don’t even know how to stay silent in Your Presence.

Please, always when I am on my own, or in the church, come to me and make me pray. Teach me how to pray with my husband, and how to pray for people I know – my friends, my colleagues, my boss, my family, people who I don’t like that much – or those who are my competitors.

“Your prayers should encompass everybody; your heart should include the whole world. But do not, as a consequence of this, forget the realities within yourself and around about you.”

Lord, I want to help people. I want to be with them, support them, help them grow. I got so much from You and yet I still feel somewhat empty inside.

Something is still missing.

Please, let me know the missing bit, let me fill in my desire, that is so strong – but I actually don’t know what I am lacking. Is it You, Lord?

I am meeting people, winning competitions, getting success and pleasures - but I want more. I always want more and I am never happy with what I have or with who I am.

Is it something You want? Do You agree with this my neverending something inside that makes me run fast, do a lot of things, jump into various projects…?

I’ve read that being busy means losing the relationship with You – because then I won’t be able to sit down and actually be aware of the miracles You do for me every day.

Please, help me stay focused on You. Only on You. You are the most Important, You are the Everything that Matters – please, don’t let me go anywhere far from You – I want to be one with You.

“There are many regions in the world without priests which have maintained the faith through many decades by means of the recitation of prayers in the families.”

How important is it to pray with my husband every evening? Should we not now, when we don’t have kids yet, form the foundation of our future family – based on prayer?

How should we pray, is another question. And this has been developing since we started going out together 8 years ago. From a shy decade of Rosary as we walked along the river, to something longer that we have now – a short prayer by our own words, then a decade and reading a few lines from the Gospel.

Will we ever get to meditating together? Will we be able to ever really discuss our knowing of God? Will see. But one thing is very important – pray together, whatever form suits you.

A saint couple is much more than one saint.

“The time when you pray is a period of intimacy with God who is your father. It is not like writing an essay; it is a time for the heart, not for the head. Do not wrack your brains or scratch your head as to how you should appear before God.”

Aha, that’s why I have been finding it quite difficult do spend my time in prayer – as I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to spend the time… And maybe I was just involving my mind too much – maybe all I should be doing is just sit down and feel God’s presence - simply, just be aware of it.

In the spirit of the Ignatian prayer – I would also like to ponder about the Scriptures and be in one of the stories with Jesus. Lord, please, help me to pray every single day now, and even every single while – when I work, when I travel, when I talk to people, when I am…