GrowHoly.com

The song was horrible. The choir wasn’t tuned well, the musicians were out of rhytm, the conductor made lots of mistakes. Even though we had practised for the whole day before that.

After the welcome song, as the mass started with the usual “In the Name of the Father…”, the conductor kneeled at one of the church pillars and she put her head into her hands.

I knew how she could be feeling. All responsibility was on her – she’s the boss, she’s the leader. I could even feel her shaking, as she was thinking about the following songs for the whole mass – the Kyrie Eleison, Gloria, Our Father, and about 5 others to fill in all the gaps.

I came to her and gently touched her shoulder: “Are you ok?” With a head nod she just showed that she was not crying.

And all the other songs were amazing.

In the evening I sent her an email saying that I liked how we sang and that the first song was maybe just a bit of bad luck, and that it definitely wasn’t her fault.

On the following day I got a reply, saying how important my email had been for her and how great it is that I care – it helped her to get over things and stand up again.

Most of my friends and family have all they need. They have  where to stay, what to wear, they drive cars, go on holidays etc. And if they miss something, they simply get a loan from the bank, or just find a way how to get it without having to ask anybody else. And nor do I ask anybody for any help, because – I simply don’t need anything.

So sometimes I don’t feel I can give anything useful to people around me.

But we still need that how-are-you phone call, or an odd visit to see how’s it going or simply to listen to us when we meet and be really interested in what we’re going through. And we need that birthday text or Christmas card.

Simply, be interested in people around you.

Sometimes I work for a long time and simply loose my temper. I just get nervous. And then all I want is to quit, get out, stop working and relax. Normal.

However, I am not happy with it, since I believe we should try to work with love and passion, so that we don’t get tired or nervous of any tedious work. We should know why we are working, who we work for, and if we get to a stage when we don’t feel about working, we should pause and think where is the problem.

If you feel like there is something else you could do instead of the work you are doing at the moment, rather switch instead of pushing yourself into something where you don’t feel any attachment or involvement any more.

“The reality of the presence of God by your side is not just a question of feelings. God takes complete possession of you, leading, loving, and consoling you.”

Today I was reading the beginning of John’s Gospel. The Word.

If Jesus really is the Son, or the Expression of that Being Who created the whole world and the Universe – then all questions are being answered in Jesus. The Beginning and the End. Alfa & Omega.

Should I then worry about anything else?

Surely, I should, because I am a human being, set into a human environment, with human limits. However, these days, also being led by the biography of St. Ignatius of Loyola, I feel as if hard work on ourselves really is required if we want to become an expression of God.

First of all, I need to get rid of my ego, my selfishness. This is the key if I want to grow in understanding and expression of God. God, who is everything and is in me.

Lord, please, get me on the way, and support me on this long journey. I haven’t started yet, but when I start, please, make sure that all my steps will be with You.

“Think for a moment of the presence of a very loving and inspiring person, or of a gentle, caring mother – even of a distinguished guest who affirms you, makes you feel grateful and self-confident. But all that love, kindness, and honour are nothing when compared with that which God’s presence offers you. God’s presence exceeds all others to such an unfathomable degree that a million times the distance between earth and heaven would not begin to express its infinite superiority.”

Pondering about the stars, and about the distances in the Universe will always leave me questioning my life and the reason of what I’m doing. Why all this greatness and beauty? Is it really for us, humans, to discover it all maybe one day?

I know that God’s paths are well above ours, and that we are not able to grasp His thinking. However, He made the step towards us, and will not let us alone. I would like to live through this day, fully realising God’s presence in everything I do. I want to invite Him into my time, my presence and my thinking.

Lord, please give me strength to stay with You, not to let myself be taken away from You by work, food or anything else; You are my Lover, please, let me love You from all my strength.

“When you are confronted with obstacles, stand as firm as a rock. The grace of God will not be lacking. If you must curtail your activities for a time, it is unimportant. After all, the work you do is God’s more than your own.”

Obstacles. Some people have difficulties to even breathe, because of a disease or injury. Some people have difficulty to even eat peacefully, because of their complicated family setup. Some people have temptations – sex, food, fame or money – and these stop them from doing good.

I have everything I could ever imagine, yet the temptations are here. I could spend all the day just laying and eating, and enjoying myself in pleasures. And sometimes I do. But inside, there is that undeniable desire to do good. To be better, and to align my actions with those of the One who created the Universe – who is the Universe.

They say, first, you must start loving yourself, if you want to love other people. There definitely is a huge truth in this statement, but how should I start loving myself, when I see all the rubbish inside, all my sins and weaknesses? I believe, that before self acceptance, there must come a strong realisation that I am already loved.

I am loved greatly by the One who gave me Life. I am loved by the One who set me into this amazing world, the meaning of which I still didn’t get. And I haven’t come across a better meaning of life than that of “being the expression of God.”

Thinking about what I should be doing recently, an idea sprang to my mind. I could go around the city and talk to poor people and give out something with this message. Plainly written on a piece of paper. Give them hope, give them that sign and proof that they are loved. Give them something which will give them motivation to be better. Something which will revive their lost proud, and their lost belief in themselves and in their ideals.

I would like to take this small step, and I don’t know when, or whether I ever will do something like that, but I certainly would like to help spread God’s Gospel to poor people. I would love to give somebody hope and that intrinsinc feeling of being loved.

This will be, however, only and only work of God. It will then make us all love others even more.

“Know when to keep quiet. Too much gossip, without thought of the consequences, spreads disharmony. Idle words undermine charity.”

Lord, why am I just staring at those brilliant people, admiring them, and wanting to become like they are – with all great things they are doing – overcoming themselves, and helping others – so why am I just sitting here and doing nothing? Why am I just full of ideals; why there is no action, or no real progress done by myself?

Why do I keep falling back, even though I’ve had excellent times of achieving my goals and resolutions for a while? Why haven’t these days sticked inside of me, so that they wouldn’t allow me to fall behind again? What needs to happen so that I will be able to stand up and finally take full responsibility for what I am doing?

When will I be able to do those things that only make sense; when will I be able to stop all activities that are tearing me apart? When will I be able to talk to You honestly, and actually to love You? When is the day when I will turn back to You again, and start serving You in humility, just like when I was a child?

Do I need to grow old to understand Your agenda? Do I need to die before I realise how important life really is, and what all I can do with it? Do I need to hurt somebody before I realise that I can actually improve people’s days, if only I am gentle enough and don’t interfere with their own dreams?

Lord, if You created the Universe with me being just a small unimportant part, and yet still caring about me, why don’t You make me into a tool in Your hands, that will execute Your dream about the world?

“What is important is not the number of your activities, but the degree of love.”

How can I increase the degree of my love? How can I really love people, without any hidden agendas? How can I serve and help them out of pure love?

The only person I really love at the moment, is myself, and even with myself I sometimes have issues to accept everything on me. So how can I move the Love I feel I am getting from God, to other people?

Love is sometimes so boring for me - it’s not about success, it’s not about fighting and running, it’s not about adventure – it’s about loving the other person. But what does it really mean?

Is it about sacrificing myself for their sake? Is it about giving them more than I am taking? Is it about sharing and being interested in their issues?

How can I stop now, and start loving people – really loving?

“You must sacrifice yourself, not other people.”

Recently it got very easy for me to ask somebody to do something. But should it not be myself doing stuff? Shouldn’t I serve, rather than give commands to people?

Well, there are circumstances, when you actually should delegate, especially in working environment. But also in church, when you ask somebody to do something, maybe it’s ok. But what if you get used to it and start abusing it? Then you have an issue, and you probably need to get a step back and start again.

But doing too much yourself could be just as dangerous - you then begin to sacrifice other things for work. Today I was working usual hours, 9-5. Yet as 5pm passed, I was still sitting in the office, and I knew that I had to finish some stuff in 15 mins because then I would make it for the 5.45 mass.

I didn’t. Instead, I stayed in the office, kept working and finishing things (which I didn’t get a chance to finish, anyway), and eventually I left well after 7.30. Hungry, tired, eyes blind from the computer – not a human at all.

Coming home - what a wife was I then to my husband? Was it a nice evening? Was I feeling ok? When all I was able to think about, was just some food and the bed?

So my resolution: never ever again. From now on, I am making a committment, always to finish at 5 and leave.

There are so important things you are responsible for – your family, your friends, and yourself! You need to go out into the park and have a chat with those you love. You need to go and do some sports you like. You need to get off those snobby formal clothes and get into your old jeans that are just yours!

You need to read a book, you need to sit down and maybe watch a telly. You just need it.

And, you need to pray. You need to meditate, you need to stay still and be aware of the present moment. You need to breathe and feel God’s presence. Now. He cares about you, much more than you think! He has given you so much, that if you realise it, you will never ever mis a prayer.

You know what you are losing when you work too much. And for what? Money? No. Recognition, reward, they might praise you, admire you, you might get higher on the ladder…

Are these really what you’ve been made for?

“It is not without foundation that I say, “Prayer is of prime importance.” Jesus told us, “Mary has chosen for herself the best part of all, that which shall never be taken away from her” (Lk 10:42). As she sat at Our Lord’s feet listening to his words and loving Him, Mary Magdalen had in Him all we now have in the Blessed Eucharist, the Sacred Scriptures and the whole of liturgical prayer.”

And yet I work 8 hours a day, then I do some sports or read books to be even better at my job. And then I pray for 15 minutes.

Lord, please, show me how I can give the highest priority to the time spent with You.