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Today one of my Christian friends called and his first words were “Christ is risen, rejoice!”

I kind of felt that my proper reaction should have been “Allelluia!”, however, I didn’t say that.

Although the great joy is inside me, and I could feel it very intensively last night at the Vigil, I just don’t feel it’s necessary, or maybe even appropriate to shout about it today – Jesus rose some 2000 years ago and we should live that message every single day – not just at Easter!

When the women came to the tomb on Sunday morning, the big heavy stone was gone.

Uncertainty? Hope? Resurrection?

Today, my own heavy stone, the one inside me, has gone. I got that vision from the priest at confession.

When I was younger, I used to be like a little rabbit, at the edge of a forest, who craved for hopping on the grass that was in front of him, but at the same time, he was afraid, and rather kept hidden behind a huge stone.

Today, I got rid of this stone, I removed all the fear that was limiting me.

Today is the day of change. Today, just today. Now.

So let’s jump on the new grass, the grass that has been prepared there for me – since I was born. The grass, that I kept ignoring for all the time – because I was afraid, or I was trying to protect my ego, trying to be somebody else, trying to convince myself that, behind the stone, I was happy.

The new grass – both the uncertainty and great hope. Lord, let me enjoy Your presence, let me try Your gifts, let me live Your Life, forever.

When you are proud of yourself – a trait that is not really looked on well, especially if you’re aiming at spiritual growth – where you really are missing the target, is probably not understanding your own value.

Because when you’re in doubt about how valuable you are, you will look for affirmations from outside of whether you are lovable or not. So you will start to compare yourself with others and try to compete with them – and always when you win, you will take pride in it.

Who are you?

In the Garden of Eden, the initial paradise, Adam and Eve were told they would become like God when they eat the fruit. Hey, are we not like God already? Is not God present inside us? It’s a great lie to believe that our value comes from outside, that we need to do anything, to become valuable, or lovable.

God is with us, God is inside us, we are part of Him – so don’t bother about competing with others, about fulfilling any religious duties – you are a great being, your spirit is of great value – and it doesn’t need to prove anything – just live your life in love.

When I got pregnant, I bought pyjamas with a big lettering ‘It’s all about me’. I love that pyjamas, even though the message of pregnancy should probably be ‘It’s all about my child’.

However, it’s me who gets all the fame throughout these nine months. People ask me how I am, they look after me, pay attention that I don’t lift anything heavy or that I have where to sit and relax – I am in the limelight.

Other siblings get behind, because everybody in the family now talks about the new baby to arrive. They ask me whether we need anything, and I feel so important when telling them all what we’ve learnt at the ante natal classes.

But when you’re in the limelight, at the stage, the light of fame is so strong, that you cannot see anything else, just the light.

Sometimes I forget to see others around me – couples who can’t have kids, girls who don’t have partners yet, families with disabled children…

And I am enjoying myself and my big belly and grabbing attention of people with how well I feel and how great it is to be pregnant – but hey, this is not about me, really, it’s about love in life – and I got these nine months to learn how to be able to get behind when needed, since it will be the child who will take all the care from now on – and she will need it, since that’s how kids grow – with attention from others who are interested in them and help them understand life and develop – will I be able to do this without thinking how great I am?

I have everything, I am healthy and strong. I am happy. All is well. I got it all without any effort, it’s been a gift for me and I am grateful for it.

But should I see life then as effortless and should I just go around and enjoy it fully?

Should I not keep my eyes open and see others who might be in troubles, people who maybe didn’t get as much as I did, or simply who are at present in some problems? Should I not be ready to offer all what I got if it was to help them?

Does it mean it would lessen my own happiness?

Love grows through sharing.

And I had to look. I had to look for a place where I could be useful and a tiny bit give from what I’ve received. Singing in a hospice, where people suffer, the elderly who have lived their whole lives, and now, standing at the gate of death, they suffer extremely – both physically and mentally – so should I not give them a bit of joy I have inside?

Whenever you give, you get much more back.

When you see them torn and exhausted bodies, but with a smile in their eyes, you want to come back and do it again. It’s all you can do, anyway, you can’t help them otherwise than just sing for them.

And your life gets even richer.

There is a man in his late forties, who is a boss of a lighting company. And I’ve heard stories about him, how tough he is as a businessman, how harsh with the employees, and how cunning with customers. And often he comes in and complacently praises himself for all he has achieved – how much business he got today, how much he charged them and how stupid some people are.

He is truly into himself, he enjoys his own success and is barely interested in anybody else.

Was thinking, whether this can happen to anybody who at least a little bit tries to live spiritually. People who pray or at least ponder about the higher meaning of life, other than money and success in business – can you be so much employed by your self and not look more at others?

Well, I was looking at myself and who I am – and I realised that all my talking and thinking really is directed to myself – how great it is that I can do this and that, how brilliant I am that I can cope with any situation etc.

When I go out with friends, I talk a lot about myself, rather than being truly interested in others and what they have to say, from their own viewpoints.

I am aware of how much I need humbleness, being the ‘last one’, the smallest one, I would love to be nobody, or nothing, so that I can see things and people around me, and so that I could hear God talking to me.

I would like to be quiet, so that God can come and fill me with His presence. I would like to stop thinking about myself and my unimportant achievements – and start living a real life, where love is all I focus on.

These days, it’s lovely outside. With spring drawing in, every day seems a great miracle to me. In the morning, nothing can keep me in bed long enough, because I simply must get up and see the sunlight – and live.

The Creator of this life and the whole world did some amazing things. When I go to the park, or up the hills, or when I’m in a forest, I feel that this is what we were meant to enjoy fully – nature, fresh air, sunshine, walking… I love it. I love being in the nature, I love looking at the sunset – it quietens me down and I realise that there’s so much more to life than what we see in our normal working days.

Thank you for the nature and that I can enjoy it.

Yesterday I checked one of my favourite singers on the Internet. She is, funnily enough, a gospel singer, in her forties, and watching her videos, and various interviews with her, I told myself – I would like to be like her – she’s great – she looks the way I would like to look, in terms of clothing, hair and her figure, she plays the guitar, she sings well, she smiles, she is intelligent – and religious in that good way – and she is successful.

But then I went on to read about her life – and I found out that she also has controversal viewpoints on various things in life, and that she got divorced.

Wow. I’m not here to judge, but family life is something that for me, personally is very important, especially if you have kids like she did – and getting divorced definitely doesn’t belong to traits of an ideal person for me. Again, I do not want to judge anyone, since I know relationships can get complicated, and mine is still at the beginning, so I cannot even guarantee it for myself.

However, that day I realised that I shouldn’t be trying to project myself onto somebody else, I should stay who I am instead, and try to live an ideal life as I see it. Yes, I can model any singer, I can look well, smile and be successful – but at the same time, I can go even further, because this is my life, I know myself, I can be honest with myself and see the true picture – and I can decide how important it is for me to live an ideal life, with as few flaws as possible, learning every day and growing towards becoming the best ‘Me’.

When you sit among them, when you see how weak they are that they even cannot stand for a few minutes, when you see their wounds, or their hearing aids that break so often, when you feel them shaking, when you know they will die in a few days or weeks – then you must become a different person.

You might cry when you’re alone, because you see that these people still live – they watch TV, they enjoy sweets, and they like to go out when the sun is shining. Yet they’re dying.

Dying, but still alive, and coping with the difficulties of every day.

There’s a huge gap between us. When I’m among them, just watching them live, I feel that I really don’t understand. I don’t have a clue what it is like to be old and sick. With the whole life behind, many years – is there anything that could surprise you? Can you learn anything new?

I am young and strong, and healthy. I have my life in front of me. I can change things, I can decide. They’ve done all that. Now they’re looking at the end. They might reflect on their life, they might come back again and again to those wonderful moments…

I have everything ahead, waiting for me. And I can do what I want with my life. I can decide whether I will lead a life full of love and attention to its beauties, or whether I will get busy with things that have no real value. Will I work on building my own profile, riches and fame, or will I look into the eyes of others, and marvel at people’s gifts?

Will I enjoy every single day, whether the sun is shining or not, knowing that there is somebody always caring about me and loving me? Will I live in the present moment, so that when that old age comes, I will be able to still live and not die too early?

When you sit among them, you must think about life. Not about death, but about life. That’s what we got and it’s so precious that you cannot ignore what you do with it.

If only I could give something to somebody.

So let’s enjoy it. Fully. Suddenly you appeared in this world, nobody knows from where and nobody knows exactly, why. But you are here. Now.

And you can choose what to do with it. You can enjoy every breath, you can explore the wonders of nature, you can have fun with friends, you can create things etc. You can laugh, you can play, you can eat, you can sleep, you can study, you can work, you can exercise… And yes, you can suffer. You can cry. You can worry. That also belongs to the feelings of real human beings.

You got a certain period of time. Yet no moment can be repeated, every while happens just once. Things can go right, or they can go wrong. Still, you got the chance to experience them. You got that great gift of life which means you can feel, you can live through things fully, whether they’re good or bad.

It’s not important whether you’re having a good or not-so-good time, what matters is that you’re “having time”. You’re alive. Now.

So don’t worry about the fact that you lost the job, or that you cannot make ends meet. You are alive. You live. You Are. And that’s much bigger, just think about it.