GrowHoly.com

“Do not say, “I was made like this; I cannot change.” No, we are talking about your faults and imperfections. As a true child of God, you must be mature and deliberately continuing in these faults and imperfections prevents you from becoming such a person.”

Yesterday I simply let all things be – I ate 2 huge packs of chocolate cookies (they were lovely!) and then lots of other rubbish. Eventually, I didn’t go to my karate class and I stayed sitting at computer for the most of the day.

Then I looked at my notes from Feb 2008, when I went to an NLP seminar called Breakthrough to Success where I set my goal about holiness. And as I was browsing my handwritten notes, I realised that even then I had a couple of limiting habits:

• Food
• Uninterested in other people
• Lack of prayer

Looking back now, I must say, that my prayer at least happens now more frequently, and since we moved and now live separately with my husband only, I now have more time to visit friends and talk to them. However, food remained a big obstacle to me – I still misuse it in overeating and enjoying myself in privateness – when nobody can see me.

Yesterday, after my another great failure I decided to stop all this rubbish and start to take these things more seriously. I know that I might be risking that I will start rely on myself only, so I invited God to this process and I would like to do all this my work within His support and approval – and help, since it will be Himself who is going to change me.

So this is my resolution:

In the next 3 weeks, I will lose 1 kg each week, which will bring me to 59 kg by 26th July. Then I will just maintain this weight and not try to be any slimmer. I will measure my weight every morning.

On top of that, I will every day, since this doesn’t depend on the weather, do the following exercise:

• 3 x 10 pushups
• 3 x 10 sit ups
• 3 x 10 squats

And as I go on, I will try to add 10 to these every week, so that eventually I end up doing series of 100 for each time.

Finally, I will focus more on my eyesight, and I will practise Bates Exercises 3 times every day:

• 5 min palming
• 20 times swinging
• 3 x 10 blinking

And I am going to keep a diary where I will make notes as I do these things.

Lord, please, take this as a sign that life matters to me and that I don’t want to kill what You gave me. Please, come here and help me carry on with all these things. Thanks.

“The choice is between holiness and sin. In many instances, holiness or sin is the result of victory or defeat in one moment requiring sacrifice.”

Holiness and sin. What a choice! One minute of mundane pleasure compared to the eternity of the true inner joy. Starting now. And what will I choose? Well, sometimes, I choose to sin.

This morning I felt that God is giving me an awfully lot - He loves me greatly, despite all my sins and faults, and despite my ignoring Him. So what will I do eventually, after I try all the pleasures of the world, and after I get fed up with them all? What will I do after I hurt enough people, postpone enough duties, and destroy too many projects?

Eventually, I will notice His love in my life. Eventually, I will say thank you for this love. Eventually, I will open myself to His love. Eventually, I will start to love Him.

I am like a flower in a garden. When I get lots of love, I cannot actually do anything more or less than just blossom. As flower cannot walk, it cannot sing, it cannot save the world, all it can, is grow and bossom. I can only be and feel Your love, and love You. Lord, You are my gardener, and when I grow up, into a real flower, I would love to be nice and to give You all my beauty.

So what will I choose, holiness or sin?

“If there is no sacrifice, there will be no holiness. You have to deny yourself and take up your cross before you will be able to follow Our Lord. Denying yourself is a prerequisite of holiness (Mt 16:27, Mk 8:34, 10:21, Lk 9:23).”

I want to play football, I want to have career, I want to indulge in food, sex, I want to browse the Internet, I want to make money, I want to travel, to run in the forest – I want to cycle, I want to do karate, I want to be great… And yet, my ultimate goal is to be holy, as God wants me to be.

Is there a way to merge all these things?

Or, should I sacrifice the above for the ultimate goal? Maybe not necessarily all of them. Maybe God will ask me for just some of them. Maybe I should not overdo anything – just look for balance.

I could see this recently when I was with my husband – I know that when I choose to spend an evening “my way”, sitting at computer and doing some unimportant things – the communication between us withers, and I lose him for the evening – I lose what we could have or experience if we spent the evening together.

That’s why I resolved to give him my time. To spend the time being with my husband, instead of doing my own ego-building things – talking to him, playing with him, sharing with him.

Maybe one day I will be able to do this more naturally, more easily and with greater love. Maybe one day I will be able to give up other things – and to sacrifice them for others. Maybe.

How should I deny myself? How to get rid of my ego? How to beat my greed, my seflishness, my nervosity?

I went to a confession yesterday. And when I was preparing for it, doing my “list” of sins I committed, I realised that again, they are the same as most times, and that to see some progress, maybe I should change something.

On the opposite side of my list, I put the opposites of all the sins – so instead of “I dind’t pray every day” I put “I never missed prayer”, or instead of “I was arrogant to other people when they needed help” I put “I always kindly helped everyone who needed my help.”

The old sins are gone – they were regretted and forgiven.

When I now look at the “positive” list, I can see my ideal “me” who I can be – and I believe that one day I will be. So that in about a month, when I go for another confession, I will be able to say fewer failures that negated what was written on the positive list.

I am not perfect – but I know that with God’s help only, I can become my best.

Lord, You are the Ruler and the Forgiver. You are the one who knows us deeply – please, remove all my sins, so that I can be spotless in the love of your presence.

“The Cross is foolishness to the Jews and a stumbling block to the Greeks. But as for us, we glory in the Cross of Our Lord (1Cor 1:22-24, Gal 6:14).”

When you play chess with somebody, not because you want to win over them, but purely because you want to enjoy the game together, and you are happy even when they win, that’s to me holiness. When you get up at 6 in the morning and go out to greet the morning sun and rejoice with all the birds and trees, that’s to me holiness.

When you keep quiet for the whole day, even though you speak in front of an audience, but you’re quiet inside, listening to God’s voice, that’s to me holiness.

When you don’t eat too much nor too little, that’s to me holiness. When you listen to your friend who needs help and you participate in their issue, that’s to me holiness. When you accept somebody telling you off and to you they’re all wrong, but you say nothing because you know that there’s no point in arguing with them just to protect your ego, that’s to me holiness.

When you are curious about your friends, family, partner to find out what matters in their life, that’s to me holiness.

When you pray in quietness for an hour, at a time when you could be doing so many other pleasurable things, that’s to me holiness.

When you do exercise not because you want to look well or beat someone in competition, but purely because you want to leverage your physical potential, increase your energy levels and enjoy the time, that’s to me holiness.

When you go and start serving needy people for free, just because you want to help them, that’s to me holiness.

Yes, to me, holiness is crazy.

“Rejoice at your own success but thank God when someone else is more successful than you.”

St. Paul says in one of his letters, that we should in humility consider others to be greater than ourselves.

So why then is it so pleasing when somebody makes a mistake or when I learn about somebody who is generally considered highly moral, that they did something wrong?

It gives me that lift that I am better. That I wouldn’t make such a mistake. And it feels good.

On the other hand, I hate to see that somebody has beaten me in a competition or at work.

For this reason, maybe it is good that there is actually no measurement for holiness and that I cannot say that I am more holy than anybody else. As this is what I would take as the ultimate Success.

“If everybody should approve of you, but God disapproves of your conduct, how terrible for you! If everybody should insult you, falsely accuse you or persecute you, but God praise you, happy are you, for the Kingdom of Heaven is yours (Lk 6:22).”

Sometimes I go to a confession and the priest will tell me that it’s “not too bad” what I’ve done. But come on, I am looking to be one with God, so how can I commit even the smallest sin? It’s really about the true and honest relationship between me and God.

Sometimes I don’t know what I should be doing and whether what I do is ok… E. g. now, during the lent, I’ve stopped any form of limiting of what I eat – as I noticed that it then makes me too greedy and I cannot control myself at all – which makes me end up doing what is wrong, as opposed to doing something more, something voluntary.

So now I am focusing solely on getting closer to God, realising who I am talking to when praying, and feeling His Greatness. I would love to get to the stage when my only motivation, my ultimate goal will be God, and God alone.

Then there will be no “NO to God” out of laziness, no “YES to sin” out of greed, no “NO to friends” out of my selfishness… I would love to start serving people, to help those who really are in need, I would love to touch those who are suffering – and to suffer with them.

Yet, as in karate, when I’m just a beginner – I need to learn the basics. I need to spend hours doing just the most basic punch to get it right. I need to spend days learning how to pray, how to call God, how to thank Him, how to look at Him. I need to be quiet and listen to Him, I need to listen to my friends, and not give them any advice or help at all – since I have no resources at the moment… Where else should my wisdom come from, if not from God Himself? And until I get closer to Him, until I get this wisdom through the prayer, there is always just insanity in my words, in things I do or think.

“Some people say there is a crisis of faith or a crisis of authority, but I think there is actually a crisis of holiness. God sends trials to you in order to refine and separate good from bad in you.”

Yes, they definitely are there. And for everybody it’s something else. But  how should we get on with these temptations? Are we allowed to subdue and commit a sin? Or if I want to be holy – does it mean that I can never sin any more?

While we could also spend a considerable time here pondering about what is sin and what does not qualify as a sin, I would prefer to follow my “inner voice”, my conscience.

And it tells me, for example, that it is not good to be greedy and to eat lots of chocolate cookies.

Well, I love chocolate cookies. And after I spent several months on a very healthy raw-food diet, eating just oranges and bananas and all that fruity and veggy stuff – now I broke all my rules and resolutions – and allowed myself to have a bit of “pleasure”.

Now it can develop into an endless greed so easily – as I have always loved chocolate – or, as I used to say, anything that is brown and sweet…

So yesterday morning I woke up with a thought – I will get myself a good bit of chocolate today.

And before going to work, I popped into a church, for a quick mass. And… the sermon was told as a story - read here what I was told.

“There was a lady at the airport, waiting for her flight, and as she had a lot of time, she bought herself a pack of cookies and went with them into a cafe. She loved just sitting there, having coffee and eating biscuits. But as she was putting the first one into her mouth, and having a sip of that lovely hot coffee – she noticed a man sitting opposite her and taking one of her biscuits! But, what could she do… So she quickly reached out and took another one, followed again with the coffee. And in the meantime, the other fella got his as well. What a disgrace! She thought. But what could she do…

So they continued eating the biscuits until there was just one left.

The man looked at the lady. She looked at him. Then he reached out, took the last biscuit, broke it into two, and offered the lady one half. She refused. She wouldn’t take anything from a beggar’s dirty hand. So he finished the biscuit and his coffee, and left.

The lady also finished her coffee and was going to leave when, as she was packing her things, she noticed, that the biscuits she had bought, were – still in her bag!”

Very nice story and although its message goes beyond my thoughts that morning, together with all the lenten readings at the mass they all told me – don’t do it! Don’t enjoy yourself eating lots of chocolate! Don’t be greedy! There are millions of people starving. Don’t hurt your body with unhealthy food. Don’t spend money you could use on something else. Don’t be a hypocrite – telling other people that you’re on the raw food – and yet eating chocolate!

Don’t love yourself in a bad way! Do a sacrifice, it’s the lent time – offer this for your friends or for somebody who needs something from God. Don’t waste your time you can spend on something more useful! Don’t be greedy!

Don’t make God angry or sad. Don’t risk your life. Don’t risk your holiness!

…

After the mass ended, I went straight to the shop, bought a pack of biscuits and a Snickers Duo, went to my office and ate it all.

“People of the world are frightened of silence because they feel empty when alone. Those people who live an interior life value silence because they discover a new and beautiful world in a life of intimacy withe the Blessed Trinity, a life which this world cannot give.”

Today I was watching people going for holy communion. Some of them looked a bit incoherent. They were older and I could feel as if they kept hiding something, they weren’t really themselves – in their moves, in the expression of their faces…

If only we weren’t afraid of knowing the truth about ourselves. If only we weren’t afraid of others knowing the truth about ourselves. There is a lot of rubbish in my thinking, in my behaviour, in my doing things, in my laziness and greed, and selfishness. But what happens if people know about it? And I am sure they know. Why do I then keep trying to hide it somehow, to reject it? Why am I trying to hide my weaknesses even before God who knows every fibre in me?

When I confess all my failures and sins, when I take them as part of myself, then there is no space for hypocricy, no space for being incoherent. Then I will be able to sit in silence in front of God and say nothing, just feel His Presence.

As it is written, “He chose us in Christ before the creation of the world to be holy and without sin in his presence.” (Eph 1,4)

Today is the Ash Wednesday, now is the time to change. What is your resolution for the next 40 days? Or, what will you start doing today, and keep going all the time?

I have heard that if you choose to fast and pray, it should be done with a purpose. So what is so important to you that you would sacrifice a bit of food or drink in favour of it? Is it success at work? Your family? Your health and life? Is it your relationship with God and achieving the mission of your life?

For me, I would like to help people in a way that they can influence my fasting – not knowing about it. So if there is anybody who will tell me about their problems, I will listen to them, and the next day I will pray and fast for them.

Great Spirit, please, help us all during these 40 days. It’s a short while, but you know how uneasy it is for us to sacrifise our own comfort. You know how weak we are and lazy, and greedy. Only with your help can we do wonders. Only with your leading can we walk up the mountain of holiness.

“Perseverance is the characteristic of the saints, because “he who endures to the last will be saved” (Mt 10:22).”

What does it mean, to endure to the last? What should I endure? Does Jesus mean the prayer, fast or doing good? I was thinking what should be the difference between a “normal” person and a saint these days. When I meet my schoolmates or colleagues, where should I be different from them, if I were to be a saint? Would it be visible at all?

Probably not. There probably wouldn’t be any glow around my head or any funny light in my eyes. Maybe there could be something what would evoke the desire for spirituality in others. Or maybe I would be very helpful and humble. Or maybe very joyful and happy, being able to make people laugh.

Anyway, I think that real holiness needs to be proven in what is invisible to others. That is the core, that is the place where we really grow. If I am faithful in my personal life, in times when I am on my own, when I can do whatever I want – and if I don’t do anything wrong then, it would be great.

There was a quiet boy with me sitting with me in the same class at school. I was never really interested in him and sometimes I felt superior to him – I was a better pupil, more talkative, more “interesting”. Yesterday I saw him for the first time after a few years. It was at the mass. He hasn’t changed much – still quiet and humble.  But I felt somehow from his movements and from his face that he is living a nice life, maybe in quietness and definitely with his way of understanding God. It’s funny how I hadn’t seen this when I was sitting with him at the same class.

Another example of perseverance is my old friend who has suffered from a strange and rather rare disease – it’s something to do with her stomach and I would say it’s something like a cancer, but maybe not so destroyable, but definitely very painful and it simply makes her go to hospital for several weeks when it develops. And despite her being on a strict diet, any tiny stress can make this sickness develop again and again – and my friend never knows when.

So she has been studying to become a teacher. She is very passionate about this job and would love to do it one day. But because of this sickness, she had to postpone her studies for several years now. Hopefully, she will graduate this year. Another of her strong desires is going abroad and working there. And I know that her English is great, and using her excellent skills, she would do really well. But again, her sickness will not let her go.

And I met her yesterday as well – we were talking for a while and I was speaking about my “normal” life – we went abroad, I’ve got a great job, in my field of study, I am getting better and better at marketing, earning money, living with my excellent husband, we have bought a flat, everything is sorted… And she then told me about herself, how she had been suffering in pain when the sickness got her, how she cannot do anything, as she never knows when the sickness comes back again and how much she would like to be abroad and prove that she also can do it, simply, to use her skills and talents…

Then she said that she knows that the sickness has helped her to get closer to God – that although she  had lost the opportunity to be successful in career, she now can succeed in God’s way – she can grow in love, in prayer, in spirit… And this is what got me. I could see myself standing there, being successful in life, but I know where my great room for improvement is, in terms of my relationship with God.

So what should we endure? What is the real holiness? What is the real Success?

“Make your duties holy. Help others to holiness by your duties. Grow in holiness by the way you carry out your duty.”

Forget about my goals. Forget about everything that “I am” – for I am nothing, really. Stop doing something just for the sake that maybe one day somebody will notice… Remove my ego. Stop being egoistic. Disappear.

Is it just the nature of some people who are like this? Was I born egoistic? I am living with friends who wouldn’t speak about themselves, people who would do anything for others, I know those who can sit in the corner and who wouldn’t mind not being noticed.

How can I become egoless?

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