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Self-confidence.  Although 8 months pregnant, I really wanted to do the karate grading. It’s not physically demanding too much – you just show a few kicks, blocks and punches, and then the main kata you’ve been practising for the last few months.

And I felt perfectly able to do that. However, at the last class the sensei was looking at my performance, and he saw that, because of the huge tummy, I had some issues with balance and correct stances.

When I came to him at the end to ask him would he allow me to grade, he said he wasn’t sure. But I was very confident that he would let me do it, so I didn’t even consider the other option.

However, then he went on that if I participated in the grading, that the examiners would let me pass, but not because of my performance, but because I was pregnant. And that he knows I could do better.

Eventually, he said NO.

I nearly began to cry, since this grading was something I had been focusing on for the past three months – overcoming all the pregnancy issues, and keeping fit, training almost every day in the park or at home.

It’s interesting that sometimes we must leave what we really want, sometimes we must let go of things that we desire for, even though we’ve put a lot of effort into them.

I had to free myself up from this ego-desire, to get the higher grade. Now I’m still the same colour belt, even though I can do the higher kata, and I will need to wait another few months before I can grade next.

There is a man in his late forties, who is a boss of a lighting company. And I’ve heard stories about him, how tough he is as a businessman, how harsh with the employees, and how cunning with customers. And often he comes in and complacently praises himself for all he has achieved – how much business he got today, how much he charged them and how stupid some people are.

He is truly into himself, he enjoys his own success and is barely interested in anybody else.

Was thinking, whether this can happen to anybody who at least a little bit tries to live spiritually. People who pray or at least ponder about the higher meaning of life, other than money and success in business – can you be so much employed by your self and not look more at others?

Well, I was looking at myself and who I am – and I realised that all my talking and thinking really is directed to myself – how great it is that I can do this and that, how brilliant I am that I can cope with any situation etc.

When I go out with friends, I talk a lot about myself, rather than being truly interested in others and what they have to say, from their own viewpoints.

I am aware of how much I need humbleness, being the ‘last one’, the smallest one, I would love to be nobody, or nothing, so that I can see things and people around me, and so that I could hear God talking to me.

I would like to be quiet, so that God can come and fill me with His presence. I would like to stop thinking about myself and my unimportant achievements – and start living a real life, where love is all I focus on.

“The reality of the presence of God by your side is not just a question of feelings. God takes complete possession of you, leading, loving, and consoling you.”

Today I was reading the beginning of John’s Gospel. The Word.

If Jesus really is the Son, or the Expression of that Being Who created the whole world and the Universe – then all questions are being answered in Jesus. The Beginning and the End. Alfa & Omega.

Should I then worry about anything else?

Surely, I should, because I am a human being, set into a human environment, with human limits. However, these days, also being led by the biography of St. Ignatius of Loyola, I feel as if hard work on ourselves really is required if we want to become an expression of God.

First of all, I need to get rid of my ego, my selfishness. This is the key if I want to grow in understanding and expression of God. God, who is everything and is in me.

Lord, please, get me on the way, and support me on this long journey. I haven’t started yet, but when I start, please, make sure that all my steps will be with You.

“Thousands of patients in the House of Saint Joseph of Cottolengo have a special expression on their faces for, from time to time, a gentle voice is heard repeating over the public address system: “God is here in our house.””

I want to know what God wants me to do. I am working very hard all the time for my “human bosses”, but I don’t feel this is something I am supposed to be doing. Nor do I want to work for myself, so that I “achieve great things” for myself – I think that I should work 100% for God alone. For Jesus.

Why? Because He gave me this life and health, energy and time. He gave me myself. He lead me to understand the world as I see it now, He taught me all the things I am now able to do. Who should I use all these skills and gifts for, if not for Him alone?

But I don’t know yet what He wants me to do. That’s why I am just working for others – since other people are Him. I can find God only in other people. Ok, I hear you thinking – but is not God in your own heart?

Sure, He is in me, but unless I liaise with other people in pure Love, how can I have Him inside? Is it possible to truly live with God without an urgent desire to love other people and to serve them?

There is just one catch – my ego. I feel so down, so failed, so poor because of this. Doing things for myself. THERE WAS NO ONE THING JESUS DID FOR HIMSELF. Never. He didn’t change stones into bread when He was dying of hunger. He didn’t come down from the cross. He did come back from the Father to say Hello again to His disciples.

And yet my ego is standing in my way towards Jesus. Just one stupid ego, myself, my own desires, wants and sins. My food, my fame, my success, my status, my money, my pleasures, my hobbies, my achievements. Why all this? What is the one reason I keep serving myself, instead of serving others?

Ok, you might be telling me about how important it is to love myself first, because only then I will be able to truly love others. Can you not see that my love of myself is standing in way of loving others? Was it not Jesus who said “Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me“?

Life is like art. You need to master it, to constantly work on yourself, to keep limiting your ego. And in the end, people will not be able to recognise an artist within you. Only after you die, if you did really well, they will realise the truth and you will become an inspiration for them.

“God did not create us to be like a flock of sheep; he created us to lead others. To lead means to urge and encourage and to carry others along with us.”

Today we were practising a rather easy move in our karate class, but we didn’t do it very well, so our sensei told us that it’s terrible.

On hearing this, one of the students noted: “Sensei, this is not the nicest way of motivation – where is the positive reinforcement?”

But the sensei stayed cool as always and he said: “When you praise a karate student for small things, when they don’t deserve them, you will just bring them to being arogant. Then you are actually bringing up a killer. But in karate, the tendency is towards lowering one’s ego, so we are rather demanding and telling off, instead of praising. In this way, when students get their black belt, they will understand karate much deeper, and they will see the dept of it, rather than just chasing ranks.”

“Everyone venerates those who are gifted with the stigmata, that is, an impression of the five wounds of Our Lord on their bodies. But all who fear God impress the five wounds of Our Lord on their own bodies by means of sacrifice.”

Lord, I am weak. I am not able to do any sacrifice. I am not able to give up food, comfort, pleasures.. I am not able to stay quiet when somebody brings up a topic I did well at, I am to weak not to use every opportunity to praise myself and show off…

Jesus, You lead a hidden life in Nazareth for 30 years. You didn’t use Your transcendent power when You were hungry in the desert, nor when You were hanging on the cross. You went to a quiet place every day – and You escaped when people wanted to make You their king.

Please, let me carry your wounds. Let me participate on Your life. Let me do what You did, live exactly as You did. Please, let me suffer with You, let me share Your love with others.

Lord, let me sacrifice myself, teach me how to get rid of all my addictions, my selfishness, my ego. Please, let me be in Your presence, let me love You fully.

Let me Be.

“In all activities and struggles that you might be engaged in, discern how to react by asking yourself: how much is there in this of desire to do God’s will, how much of self-will? Perhaps there is little of God in your endeavors.”

Yesterday I went to my karate class. And for the first time, I was asked to perform my kata in front of the whole class. Not too many of us that evening, but still, for me it was a big thing. I felt that somebody is interested in seeing me perform. That somebody is going to watch what I do – and that they will admire me.

So I smiled, stood up and jumped to the middle of the dojo (the gym). And I started with that feeling of how great I am. And when I finished, they all gave me a clap. And I felt great about myself.

Then we went on practising a bit more – and we were doing the same kata as I had shown there. And as the whole group was performing step by step, the instructor kept correcting me at every single position.

Now how did I feel about myself? How poor was I, thinking anything great about myself when I was doing that show! My ego took over once more. And it certainly fits nowhere with karate.

Lord, here I am, sitting besides the sea and looking at the dark sky and the lights of the city. You are here. You are the One who gives me strength and hope, and joy. You are here and that’s enough. You know my ego. You know myself. You know how sorry I am about what happened yesterday – and you know what I’ve learned from it.

“Look at everything from God’s point of view and you will see things with different values and different perspective.”

Just shut up and be quiet.

Today I will try to sit back, and look at everything with God’s perspective – if only it is possible to me.

In the morning meeting, at work, with clients, with friends, with my husband, excercising, eating, emailing or going to bed. If there are thousands of saints, why couldn’t I just put more effort into loving God and my neighbours? Why should I boast about my ego all the time, when there is somebody Greater?

“Why is it that you keep such a personal hold over this or that work, and why do you not wish to let it go when the higher authorities wish to transfer you to other duties? That work belongs to Our Lord more than it belongs to you; it is His concern.”

I would like to build my Ego. I would like to show others how great I am. I would like to hear my name being said. That’s why.

If I want to achieve anything in future, I probably should give up on certain things – and ask God about His plans.

I am so amazed at the fact that the thought for today was written by a man who was, just after he had been “elected” as a bishop for a certain town in Vietnam, arrested and imprisoned for 13 years. In complete solitude and quietness, he knew that it’s not about his duties, nor about his ego - it’s about God.

And when he was ultimately freed, after 13 years, he got even higher in his career, but he knew that it’s all about God’s plan that is much higher than we can ever think. That’s the story of Nguen Van Thuan.

“You do not trust anyone else, you do not delegate work to anyone else, you do not give up your position to anyone else, you do not give up your position to anyone else. Are you even more powerful than God Himself?”

No, I don’t. I don’t delegate, I don’t give up my position. It’s ME. I am the best. I can do everything. Others are worthless, they even don’t know how to work with Excel properly. They don’t know what FaceBook is. And they can’t speak English, while looking for a job in an English speaking country.

I have all that – I have a job, I can do all the work with PC, I am very skilled. And smart. And intelligent.

How can they get a job, how can they succeed? They don’t work really, they just hang around and have some fun. I know how to work if you want to be successful.

But today I got another lesson that could lessen my EGO.

A student, my friend actually, who we hired for 2 weeks’ work experience, was today last day at work in our office. And although it was a non-paid placement, we agreed with my boss, that we give him some money.

So at the end of the day, I came to him, said my thanks, gave him some feedback – and gave him the cash.

Pause now.

He looked at me and refused to take it. He, wh0 is unemployed, having just finished his course on ‘how to work with computers’, with no money and a few months of looking for a job in front of him – and he didn’t take anything from me.

I explained that it’s company money – but he refused to take it. He was afraid that I was giving him my own money – and he didn’t take it.

So these are the people around us. They don’t have the brightest future in terms of money, but they are Humans. They can give up money, they are much richer than we who work hard, earn a lot, but are unable to share.

Jesus, You left everything on the cross. You gave me what I never deserved. Please, teach me to give up stuff, teach me to share with people, let me use every opportunity to give.