GrowHoly.com

“When you are confronted with obstacles, stand as firm as a rock. The grace of God will not be lacking. If you must curtail your activities for a time, it is unimportant. After all, the work you do is God’s more than your own.”

Obstacles. Some people have difficulties to even breathe, because of a disease or injury. Some people have difficulty to even eat peacefully, because of their complicated family setup. Some people have temptations – sex, food, fame or money – and these stop them from doing good.

I have everything I could ever imagine, yet the temptations are here. I could spend all the day just laying and eating, and enjoying myself in pleasures. And sometimes I do. But inside, there is that undeniable desire to do good. To be better, and to align my actions with those of the One who created the Universe – who is the Universe.

They say, first, you must start loving yourself, if you want to love other people. There definitely is a huge truth in this statement, but how should I start loving myself, when I see all the rubbish inside, all my sins and weaknesses? I believe, that before self acceptance, there must come a strong realisation that I am already loved.

I am loved greatly by the One who gave me Life. I am loved by the One who set me into this amazing world, the meaning of which I still didn’t get. And I haven’t come across a better meaning of life than that of “being the expression of God.”

Thinking about what I should be doing recently, an idea sprang to my mind. I could go around the city and talk to poor people and give out something with this message. Plainly written on a piece of paper. Give them hope, give them that sign and proof that they are loved. Give them something which will give them motivation to be better. Something which will revive their lost proud, and their lost belief in themselves and in their ideals.

I would like to take this small step, and I don’t know when, or whether I ever will do something like that, but I certainly would like to help spread God’s Gospel to poor people. I would love to give somebody hope and that intrinsinc feeling of being loved.

This will be, however, only and only work of God. It will then make us all love others even more.

“You feel that your heart is wavering. The saints also experienced this feeling, but they used this very feeling to help them, by the grace of God and their own efforts, to become saints.”

Lord, I am losing You on the Road. I keep forgetting about You more often, I don’t feel You’re here all the time. I am afraid that You are no more with me, and I am afraid of failing again – and losing everything I’ve gained so far from You.

I am afraid that in my life, I will not be successful because there are so many difficulties, and I am weak in overcoming my desires and selfishness.

“Look up, into the future, and you will see me with you all the time. Do not fear, only believe. Respond 100% to my call.“

“The spirit of prayer is like a furnace burning in your apostolic soul. If you wish to feed that fire you must stir up those big logs of sacrifice and recollection and the little ones of frequent aspirations and secret acts of self-denial.”

Secrect acts of self-denial. Lord, if only I could do something more than I am able to do at the moment.

I’ve read that You give the power to heal the sick by laying one’s hands upon them – You give it to those who believe. Am I asking too much if I would like to heal the sick one day? Yet I know this is not a little thing – and that it requires a big deal of real spiritual life – built mainly on prayer and fast – and yes, You now are enabling me to do more of it.

You can do anything to support those who are looking for You – but am I looking for You, or for myself? Do I really want to serve others and to proclaim Your message – or am I just looking for appraisal from people?

Lord, I am nothing here, sitting at the computer and maybe just having nice ideals and desires. Please, let these become reality one day, if You wish so. Let me use my life in favour of others, of those who would find it useful if I gave them some of my time and effort, backed by Your Results.

“The secret of nurturing the Christian life is to pray. Should there be someone who does not pray, even if he should perform a miracle, do not believe in him.”

Yesterday I had a great talk with one of my housemates. She is very religious, and strangely enough, she also does things, as opposed to only talking about them. She prays very often, she fasts two times a week, etc – but she also, as a person I know, seems to live these things – in her relationships, and in the way she does everything.

That’s why I approached her with a question: why all this? What is the main motivation for you to do all these difficult things?

It was interesting for me to learn that she had had some difficulties in their family life when she was a teenager. Also, she told me about her relationships where she was often betrayed and patronised. And then she was saved by some Christian friends who showed her a different way of life.

Nevermind, on top of all things, she said that for her, prayer is a must. And yes, we can pray. I can pray when walking to work, I can pray when eating, cleaning, having a shower… I can pray all the time.

And I want to pray – it’s a call from God, now He’s getting me completely. Lord, please, teach me how to pray, show me your love and how I can get passionate about You.

Also want to add a section to this blog = prayer diary, where I will make a note of all major things I’ve prayed for – and I want to take stock in future on how they’ll get fulfilled.

““Go and preach the Gospel” (Mk 16:15). Our Lord requires of those who dare to accept this lofty mission a readiness to die, that is, a fearlessness in the face of death. If we look back at two thousand years of the Church’s history, we can see that in every age and from every class of people there has never been a lack of those willing to die for the Gospel.”

What is the message of the Gospel? What does it mean to “preach the Gospel”? What should I actually preach?

That people should go to church? That we’ve been saved from our sins? “Which sins?” – people might ask.

I have never preached in a way that I would stand at a corner of a street and say – “Believe in Jesus, He is your Saviour!” or anything like that. I’ve never even started a conversation about God, unless it were people whom I knew they were religious. And when asked about my belief, I was never able to give them answer that would satisfy them, that would make them want to search for God even more.

And, which God should I preach? My personal God, my Jesus, whom I know only; and nobody else does? As I feel like each of us has their own God, as my experience with Him is certainly different from yours. And yet, it is always the same one God whom we praise. So how can I then tell somebody with little experience on their own with God, about how I perceive Him, what He means to me?

I think that there are two angles to preaching the Gospel:

1. Showing Him to people by the way I live;

2. Inviting them to search for Him themselves.

Not sure if I put it right, and if I’m on the correct path here, but I think that it’s more about making people desire for God – because they will see my life. For this, I of course, need to lead a holy life – which means, life open for God’s doing, life open for His works, not based on my own ego and aspirations. And yet it’s still very successful and joyful life.

Then, when meeting people in the “religious” or “spiritual” conversation, asking them questions which will point them to thinking about their own life from a different perspective – thinking about their role in God’s plan, thinking about how God loves them – and who God actually could be for them. Personally.

“Jesus states clearly the drastic measures that He requires: “If any man would come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Lk 9:23) and “If any one comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even and his own life, he can not be my disciple” (Lk 14:26). The road to follow has been clearly defined. The call is clear and unambiguous.”

Yes, the road to follow has been clearly defined. Especially for me now. I’ve learnt the difference between perfection and holiness.

When started this blog, I was looking for perfection – to make sure I pray every day at least for 30 mins, fast, read the Bible, strengthen relationships with others, help people, finish all my duties on time etc.

Yesterday I heard a great sermon which said that holiness is about God’s work, not ours. It’s His masterpiece, not ours. On our part, all we need to do, is to open fully to His doing, and to let Him do wonders in our life – let Him make us holy. Now, it is maybe even more difficult than to try to be perfect (although we’ll never be perfect, unless God perfects us) – because our Ego doesn’t allow us easily to subdue everything to God.

But this is crucial. Shut off our ego, our wants, our cries – and concentrate fully on what God wants. And how do I learn His will? By listening. Listening to His voice, which surely is in there – but we need to stop the voice of our Ego, our internal dialogue, and start listening to the voice of God. And believe me, once you focus all your attention on this voice, you will be able to distinguish between the two very easily.

So deny yourself and follow Jesus. Forget about your Ego, look around, look inside and see that everything is fulled with Jesus, everything has been made for his glory – and join the whole world within in a joyful praise.

“Do not be discourage by failures. If you are seeking to do the will of God and meet with failure, that failure may be in God’s eyes success, for that is the way God wants it. Look at the example of Jesus on the Cross.”

Ok, but how many failures will God accept? I have failed so many times, and promised not to do the same mistake again. Because I feel that these failures weren’t just failures of weakness or simply inability to do something; they were direct acts against what I knew was right to do at those times.

And afterwards, when I came back to God and realised what I had done, that I made a resolution not to sin again. And to “learn from these experiences”… But I never did, I haven’t changed anything, when another similar situation came up, I made the same mistake, I sinned again. So can I still speak about a failure here? Is it not rough breaking of God’s rules and acting against His Love?

And can I still win over myself and do I dare even say that I will try to improve myself and not to repeat the same mistake?

Lord, can you accept me even if I always disappoint You again and again? Do you still believe in me? Do you still trust me when I say that I will get better? Please, help me do so, because on my own, I will stay a loser forever.

“Refusal to give in to false values is not pride, or egoism or stubbornness; rather it proves your wholehearted adherence to real standards and values.”

How will I know what values are true? How can I distinguish between “New Age” type of beliefs and the real ones?

Maybe I’ve already gone a bit far. There is one measure – I actually can feel Jesus and I can tell whether it’s His voice or not.

“My sheep know my voice and they follow me.”

Jesus, I would like to be your little sheep and follow you. This doesn’t mean to go with the crowd, as sometimes it’s just the opposite.

Is it mad to say that I believe in the Eucharist or the resurrection?

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“The saints are fools for Christ (Cor. 4:10). The making of saints is far beyond the scope of the wisdom of the world.”

Yes, but how far should I go? Should I speak of God to my friends? Should I mention Him at business meetings? Should I make everybody go to church on Sunday?

Hopefully not. I admire people who live sincere lives, maybe in quietness, but live fully, help others, serve greatly, are happy and smile, and they’re joyful. I admire people who don’t boast with their achievements, even though they are so great.

It’s been said that companies should do good and speak about it. But “your left hand shouldn’t know of the good deeds of your right hand“. So wouldn’t it be better to really do good and shut up – believe me, people will get it, anyway – and then the message will be much stronger.

Coming back to the “craziness” – when I sometimes (not really often) get involved in a conversation about God and religion – it is so difficult to disclose my belief in Eucharistia – the bread that is meant to really be the body of Jesus. And if I, by any chance, get it out of my mouth – afterwards I feel so silly – for people will give me one or two arguments why it cannot be true – and there you go – I am speechless.

So what do I really believe in and – do I truly believe? Is it because my grandma told me and I was too lazy to really think about it and it was easier to agree with everything? I know I got my emotions involved quite a lot and I don’t know yet, whether it’s a good thing in relationship with God.

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Living, walking around, thinking deeply, rushing, slowing down, being mad, being serious, sexy, rich, blind, poor, hungry, fat… Who am I and what do I want?

Somewhere inside – and I don’t even have to go too deep – yes, I can feel it now – there’s that quiet but so strong desire for peace. The desire for complete union with Him. The desire to be fully rooted in Him. The desire to give myself completely because I know I will be fuller then.

I don’t know why but this feeling is closely linked with that funny round white piece of waffle they give you for free in the church. Eucharistia. Jesus. My Jesus, whom I don’t know and whom I’m not always sure I really believe (my life would be so different if I really did!). My Jesus, who died on the cross and who is happy. And who loves. And smiles. Jesus, who is looking into my eyes saying, “It doesn’t matter, I love you.”

And I want to say this His sentence to everybody I meet. Because nothing really matters, there is just one thing – love. And I don’t care about anything now but peace and love. Love that comes from inside, love that can never be faked, because it is so real and so sincere that no jokes or misunderstandings will harm it.

Love so pure that you can laugh at it, you don’t even have to believe it – but it is there because it is real. Love that sometimes hurts, but you know it’s worth it. Love that nobody understands, and yet for you it’s the most important thing to live for. Love.

When I look at Eucharistia, I feel this Love and I suddenly don’t know what to do – I am just sitting there in front of that white piece of food – staring at it with my half-blind eyes and… feeling God’s touch.

That’s all I want.

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